Front Row Dress Circle

British television has produced some of the best entertainment ever seen, and continues to do so, why then can the industry not pull it together and give viewers a decent awards show anymore? last night’s Brit Awards was, in the words of mediocre compere Peter Kay, “twenty minutes of entertainment stretched over two hours…”

And he could not have been more correct and even those twenty minutes was a stretch. The two things that can really make a show like this work brilliantly is a) the host and, b) the writers. You had Peter Kay as host, one of the UK’s top comedians and yet he was let down badly by what he was given to say presentation-wise. I have to be honest and admit that Peter Kay’s appeal in the funny-stakes escapes me, I like a really dry delivery - which is what he has - but I just cannot find him funny enough to laugh at. Maybe it is because I’m not from ‘Up North’ - I have seen Micheal Parkinson almost fall out of his chair laughing at this guy, well he would wouldn’t he…?

The awards were given out to some really run-of-the-mill acts, except I guess for Lady GaGa…her stuff is starting to sound the same to me though. Unless she becomes the queen of reinvention a-la Madonna you will be hearing Poker Face type songs from her still in ten years time. Liam Gallagher - what can you say about this twat other than “grow up you imbecile”. That ‘moody, cool swaggering’ might have gone over fine when you were a young fella Liam, but now you just look like a cantankerous old twit - and as for your giggling-idiot of a wife Nicole Appleton…a has-been if ever there was a never-would-be.

The British television industry has some of the greatest comedy writers in the world - just look at Yes, Prime Minister; One Foot in the Grave; Dinnerladies…all a brilliantly varied mix of biting satire and comedic genius and yet we get productions like last night’s effort. Where are the great writers when the producers are putting these shows together! find them, use them, and get a host who can deliver the goods. And one last thing: Put Jonathon Ross out to pasture.

Popularity: 20% [?]

You have to feel for Cheryl Cole right now - along with Tess Daly and Toni Terry they form an unlikely trio whose common link is that of ‘bastard-husband’. All three are right now trying to sort out the losers they married - but oh how I would like to see these women ’sort out’ the trollops who engaged their men in the first place! already we are getting the reports about Cheryls ‘gaunt’ appearance and no doubt we will be informed about Tess’s weightloss following her problems with numpty-hubby Vernon Kay. What a diet eh…?

I’ve just watched Cheryl perform at the Brits and, yep, she performed that song once more…is anyone else out there fed up of hearing it? well - she danced and she mimed the song to be more precise, I don’t thing she has actually sung this song live anywhere since she recorded it. Even the choreography each time is the same - the usual crotch-flashing stances and unfortunately her mime ‘technique’ is not too polished. Poor girl - I just hope she does the right thing by herself and dumps that schmuck of a ball-kicker husband. She can do much better…and I reckon Simon Cowell has her on speed dial

Popularity: 15% [?]

It’s strange because this is the sort of show that I should really like - I very much enjoyed Maestro a couple of years back, but this series just does not do it for me. That is not to say it is a poor production though because it has proved very popular with the masses and has certainly introduced the world of opera to a whole new audience - for that I would put it down to the celebrity contestants rather than the music itself.

I tuned in to the very first episode and saw that it was being hosted by Myleene Klass (turn-off number one for me…) and, surprisingly, a gardening show host Alan Titchmarsh. Myleene plays the piano and Alan tells people how to dig up weeds…then the judges. Katherine Jenkins - a pretty face that sings nicely, she is not an opera singer and has yet to prove herself to make the crossover successfully. Then the worst aspect of all - Meatloaf. Cannot stand him, never could, never will - loud-mouthed, over-bearing, over-opinionated and arrogant - and that’s just a short list of what I think of him. Laurence llewyeln Bowen - he is not a singer but seems to be the only person with any ability to appraise talent. I’ve never heard of the Italian fellow so cannot comment on him.

I tuned in for quick snatches here and there over the past weeks but decided last night to catch a semi-final and what I saw just amazed me. All the contestants were MIMING! I have seen enough live opera performed to know what a singer looks like physically when they sing those arduous arias, they are like mammoth exercises in endurance and I did not see one single diaphram move in any of those songs. The most blatant of this was the ‘performance’ by Darius Campbell; he ’sang’ the famous Champagne Aria from Don Giovanni ‘Fin ch’han dal vino ‘. The most amazing aspect of this is that he managed it without his larynx moving at all ( a dead give-away where men are concerned…), and not being one tiny bit out of breath at the finish despite completing choreographed movements throughout the piece. I have seen the great Samuel Ramey perform this aria and if HE has a heaving chest at the last note then Darius could at least have looked as though he had raised a bead of sweat! this brought out some morbid curiosity in me so I decided to watch the following contestants to see if they too were faking it. And they were. Bernie Nolan’s ribcage never moved, neither did Marcella Detroit’s although they certainly outdid themselves with excessive facial expressions and contorted throat muscles…not good enough girls - it was a dead give-away.

Of course I am now belatedly hooked, watching these people fooling the public with pre-recorded efforts…surely I am not the only person to have noticed this…?

Popularity: 14% [?]