Front Row Dress Circle

You have to feel for Cheryl Cole right now - along with Tess Daly and Toni Terry they form an unlikely trio whose common link is that of ‘bastard-husband’. All three are right now trying to sort out the losers they married - but oh how I would like to see these women ’sort out’ the trollops who engaged their men in the first place! already we are getting the reports about Cheryls ‘gaunt’ appearance and no doubt we will be informed about Tess’s weightloss following her problems with numpty-hubby Vernon Kay. What a diet eh…?

I’ve just watched Cheryl perform at the Brits and, yep, she performed that song once more…is anyone else out there fed up of hearing it? well - she danced and she mimed the song to be more precise, I don’t thing she has actually sung this song live anywhere since she recorded it. Even the choreography each time is the same - the usual crotch-flashing stances and unfortunately her mime ‘technique’ is not too polished. Poor girl - I just hope she does the right thing by herself and dumps that schmuck of a ball-kicker husband. She can do much better…and I reckon Simon Cowell has her on speed dial

Popularity: 15% [?]

It’s strange because this is the sort of show that I should really like - I very much enjoyed Maestro a couple of years back, but this series just does not do it for me. That is not to say it is a poor production though because it has proved very popular with the masses and has certainly introduced the world of opera to a whole new audience - for that I would put it down to the celebrity contestants rather than the music itself.

I tuned in to the very first episode and saw that it was being hosted by Myleene Klass (turn-off number one for me…) and, surprisingly, a gardening show host Alan Titchmarsh. Myleene plays the piano and Alan tells people how to dig up weeds…then the judges. Katherine Jenkins - a pretty face that sings nicely, she is not an opera singer and has yet to prove herself to make the crossover successfully. Then the worst aspect of all - Meatloaf. Cannot stand him, never could, never will - loud-mouthed, over-bearing, over-opinionated and arrogant - and that’s just a short list of what I think of him. Laurence llewyeln Bowen - he is not a singer but seems to be the only person with any ability to appraise talent. I’ve never heard of the Italian fellow so cannot comment on him.

I tuned in for quick snatches here and there over the past weeks but decided last night to catch a semi-final and what I saw just amazed me. All the contestants were MIMING! I have seen enough live opera performed to know what a singer looks like physically when they sing those arduous arias, they are like mammoth exercises in endurance and I did not see one single diaphram move in any of those songs. The most blatant of this was the ‘performance’ by Darius Campbell; he ’sang’ the famous Champagne Aria from Don Giovanni ‘Fin ch’han dal vino ‘. The most amazing aspect of this is that he managed it without his larynx moving at all ( a dead give-away where men are concerned…), and not being one tiny bit out of breath at the finish despite completing choreographed movements throughout the piece. I have seen the great Samuel Ramey perform this aria and if HE has a heaving chest at the last note then Darius could at least have looked as though he had raised a bead of sweat! this brought out some morbid curiosity in me so I decided to watch the following contestants to see if they too were faking it. And they were. Bernie Nolan’s ribcage never moved, neither did Marcella Detroit’s although they certainly outdid themselves with excessive facial expressions and contorted throat muscles…not good enough girls - it was a dead give-away.

Of course I am now belatedly hooked, watching these people fooling the public with pre-recorded efforts…surely I am not the only person to have noticed this…?

Popularity: 14% [?]

Well, well who would have thought it - footballer Ashley Cole is in deep water again over some seriously dubious texts he sent some trollop(s). What kind of man, what kind of individual, takes and stores naked pics of themselves on their mobile phone unless they intend them for someone else…? why do it at all! personally I think people who do this infantile kind of thing deserve all they get when those photos fall into the wrong hands…

But now it is out and Cheryl is doing the predictable; she will start losing weight again while her sleazy, half-caste spouse talks her round into believing he wont do it again. He will - we know that and so does she. Dump the schmuck Cheryl.

Then you have the very entertaining case of the Terry’s - John and Toni that is. He got a French knicker-model of dodgy character and personal hygiene knocked up and then paid her to get rid of the result of his grotty infidelity. His wife, mega-WAG Toni, took advantage of the huge bank balance her marriage to this twat has afforded her and flew off for two luxurious weeks in Dubai with the kids and her parents. The relatives of these WAG’s also do very well out of these transactions - er - marriages.

John Terry took off after her and, yep you guessed it - they are reunited and more in lurve than ever. He needs the marriage to keep a half-decent image and she needs the marriage for…god, you name it! credit cards, handbags, holidays, mansions, cars, clothes, clothes, clothes…not food though - these women don’t do food…

Toni Terry, like all WAGs know which side their bread is buttered - who cares what trollops the hubby sticks it to so long as SHE gets the keys to the mansion and the land rover. Of course they now gloat that it is time for that third baby they have always wanted…yeah Toni good idea; get that third bun in the oven asap because you will need as much child maintenance as you can get from him to keep buying those handbags and holidays when he runs out of excuses the next time.

WAG’s - prostitutes with wedding rings…what a shallow, shallow lot these people are.

Popularity: 6% [?]