Front Row Dress Circle

Not so long ago you used to get complete losers who got their rocks off by picking up the phone, dialing a random number (yours) and then breathing heavily down the line at you. Obscene phonecalls is what they were generally known as and the best way to deal with such a moron was to have a whistle handy and blow it down the receiver as loud as you could manage. If you were really lucky you could hear as they screeched and dropped the phone - I suppose these days that person would report you and sue you for using undue force…

These days things have not changed, you still get these idiots who think it is funny - and weirdly a turn on - to send stupid and obscene messages to women only now it id done by mobile phone and commonly in the form of text messages. Text Pests you call them - ’small things amuse small minds’ as the saying goes. TV presenter Vernon Kay has been apologising in overdrive recently when he was exposed as one of these numpties by The Sun - no problems with me Vernie-baby, but I am sure your wife Tess Daly is very upset that you have been sending racy texts to a collection of bimbos over the past five years. She is, in fact, feeling rightly humiliated and betrayed and why should she not…? this couple market themselves as tv’s Golden Couple and have two young children, even though Vernon is no real catch - about as sexy as Ringo Starr - his wife must be wondering why on earth he had to behave in such an immature way.

Here’s your answer Tessie dear: he is a man. Some men - not all thank god - find this kind of thing titillating, amusing and it relieves some sort of inner-boredom they have. It is like those little boys who play knock-knock-run-run and flash-your-winkie-at-the-girls in the playground. Tess, you will have to rise above this and as you have two small children you will have to make this man of yours behave himself. You are far better than any of those plastic, flammable blow-up dolls he pleasured himself over - chin up, keep smiling…and give him absolute hell at home!

Popularity: 25% [?]

As the list of dubious celebrities get set to enter the CBB house fans are left wondering exactly who will reside in the house themed for this year as ‘Dante’s Inferno’. Katie Price’s ‘boyfriend’ Alex Reid has been offered £150,000 to enter the house dressed as his alter-ego Roxanne however Reid is said to have ditched the character following some expected teasing from his cage-fighting colleagues.

However, with so much cash at stake don’t be too surprised if Reid hangs onto Roxie just for a while longer…

Other housemates rumoured to be taking part are Katie Price’s former lover Dane Bowers who seems to pop up on most reality tv shows these days with his last appearance being on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. With two of Katie’s former men in the house it should be interesting if they decide to get together and compare notes…

Others also expected are: Pamela Anderson (she will be interesting to see first thing in the morning sans makeup…), the Russian bimbo who ran off with Ronnie Woods ( Ekater…something-or-other),  actor Stephen Baldwin, butt-ugly Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, M C Hammer and someone called Nicola T ( your guess is as good as mine…)

This show was rather boring last year and I still wonder at how Ulrika Jonsson managed to win seeing as she basically sat around scowling at all the men - but at least it paid for all her recent plastic surgery.

Popularity: 36% [?]

American actress Brittany Murphy has died today from a reported heart attack at the age of 32. According to reports, her mother Sharon Murphy discovered her daughter unconscious in the shower. Paramedics determined that Brittany was in full cardiac arrest and administered CPR. They continued mouth-to-mouth as they sped to Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre but Brittany was pronounced dead on arrival at 10.04 a.m.

Speculation immediately began surrounding the cause of Brittany’s sudden death from cardiac arrest which is the same cause of Michael Jackson’s death in June. Police are still investigating the singer’s apparent dependency on prescription drugs. Today, Murphy’s friends said they feared that she died in a similar way to Jackson and Hollywood insiders said she had a long running problem with prescription drugs.

One source said: “We have been very worried that something like this was about to happen. Brittany has been living life on the edge. She definitely had a drug problem and we have all begged her to seek help. Sadly our words fell on deaf ears.”…

Another added that Murphy, who just over a month ago celebrated her 32nd birthday, had struggled to beat a prescription drug problem since becoming hooked on painkillers after undergoing a series of plastic surgery procedures. It was also claimed that the drugs she was using included Vicodin - a painkiller Michael Jackson was also known to abuse.

Brittany is also said to have suffered from eating disorders in the past which can cause weakness in the heart muscle and heart attack is a common cause of death for anorexics i.e Karen Carpenter in the 80’s.

Whatever the cause of this young woman’s death it is a tragedy for her family and admirers - she was too young for such a fate.

Popularity: 39% [?]