Front Row Dress Circle

British television has produced some of the best entertainment ever seen, and continues to do so, why then can the industry not pull it together and give viewers a decent awards show anymore? last night’s Brit Awards was, in the words of mediocre compere Peter Kay, “twenty minutes of entertainment stretched over two hours…”

And he could not have been more correct and even those twenty minutes was a stretch. The two things that can really make a show like this work brilliantly is a) the host and, b) the writers. You had Peter Kay as host, one of the UK’s top comedians and yet he was let down badly by what he was given to say presentation-wise. I have to be honest and admit that Peter Kay’s appeal in the funny-stakes escapes me, I like a really dry delivery – which is what he has – but I just cannot find him funny enough to laugh at. Maybe it is because I’m not from ‘Up North’ – I have seen Micheal Parkinson almost fall out of his chair laughing at this guy, well he would wouldn’t he…?

The awards were given out to some really run-of-the-mill acts, except I guess for Lady GaGa…her stuff is starting to sound the same to me though. Unless she becomes the queen of reinvention a-la Madonna you will be hearing Poker Face type songs from her still in ten years time. Liam Gallagher – what can you say about this twat other than “grow up you imbecile”. That ‘moody, cool swaggering’ might have gone over fine when you were a young fella Liam, but now you just look like a cantankerous old twit – and as for your giggling-idiot of a wife Nicole Appleton…a has-been if ever there was a never-would-be.

The British television industry has some of the greatest comedy writers in the world – just look at Yes, Prime Minister; One Foot in the Grave; Dinnerladies…all a brilliantly varied mix of biting satire and comedic genius and yet we get productions like last night’s effort. Where are the great writers when the producers are putting these shows together! find them, use them, and get a host who can deliver the goods. And one last thing: Put Jonathon Ross out to pasture.

Popularity: 47% [?]

Not so long ago you used to get complete losers who got their rocks off by picking up the phone, dialing a random number (yours) and then breathing heavily down the line at you. Obscene phonecalls is what they were generally known as and the best way to deal with such a moron was to have a whistle handy and blow it down the receiver as loud as you could manage. If you were really lucky you could hear as they screeched and dropped the phone – I suppose these days that person would report you and sue you for using undue force…

These days things have not changed, you still get these idiots who think it is funny – and weirdly a turn on – to send stupid and obscene messages to women only now it id done by mobile phone and commonly in the form of text messages. Text Pests you call them – ‘small things amuse small minds’ as the saying goes. TV presenter Vernon Kay has been apologising in overdrive recently when he was exposed as one of these numpties by The Sun - no problems with me Vernie-baby, but I am sure your wife Tess Daly is very upset that you have been sending racy texts to a collection of bimbos over the past five years. She is, in fact, feeling rightly humiliated and betrayed and why should she not…? this couple market themselves as tv’s Golden Couple and have two young children, even though Vernon is no real catch – about as sexy as Ringo Starr – his wife must be wondering why on earth he had to behave in such an immature way.

Here’s your answer Tessie dear: he is a man. Some men – not all thank god – find this kind of thing titillating, amusing and it relieves some sort of inner-boredom they have. It is like those little boys who play knock-knock-run-run and flash-your-winkie-at-the-girls in the playground. Tess, you will have to rise above this and as you have two small children you will have to make this man of yours behave himself. You are far better than any of those plastic, flammable blow-up dolls he pleasured himself over – chin up, keep smiling…and give him absolute hell at home!

Popularity: 25% [?]

As the list of dubious celebrities get set to enter the CBB house fans are left wondering exactly who will reside in the house themed for this year as ‘Dante’s Inferno’. Katie Price’s ‘boyfriend’ Alex Reid has been offered £150,000 to enter the house dressed as his alter-ego Roxanne however Reid is said to have ditched the character following some expected teasing from his cage-fighting colleagues.

However, with so much cash at stake don’t be too surprised if Reid hangs onto Roxie just for a while longer…

Other housemates rumoured to be taking part are Katie Price’s former lover Dane Bowers who seems to pop up on most reality tv shows these days with his last appearance being on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. With two of Katie’s former men in the house it should be interesting if they decide to get together and compare notes…

Others also expected are: Pamela Anderson (she will be interesting to see first thing in the morning sans makeup…), the Russian bimbo who ran off with Ronnie Woods ( Ekater…something-or-other),  actor Stephen Baldwin, butt-ugly Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, M C Hammer and someone called Nicola T ( your guess is as good as mine…)

This show was rather boring last year and I still wonder at how Ulrika Jonsson managed to win seeing as she basically sat around scowling at all the men – but at least it paid for all her recent plastic surgery.

Popularity: 36% [?]