Front Row Dress Circle

You have to feel for Cheryl Cole right now - along with Tess Daly and Toni Terry they form an unlikely trio whose common link is that of ‘bastard-husband’. All three are right now trying to sort out the losers they married - but oh how I would like to see these women ’sort out’ the trollops who engaged their men in the first place! already we are getting the reports about Cheryls ‘gaunt’ appearance and no doubt we will be informed about Tess’s weightloss following her problems with numpty-hubby Vernon Kay. What a diet eh…?

I’ve just watched Cheryl perform at the Brits and, yep, she performed that song once more…is anyone else out there fed up of hearing it? well - she danced and she mimed the song to be more precise, I don’t thing she has actually sung this song live anywhere since she recorded it. Even the choreography each time is the same - the usual crotch-flashing stances and unfortunately her mime ‘technique’ is not too polished. Poor girl - I just hope she does the right thing by herself and dumps that schmuck of a ball-kicker husband. She can do much better…and I reckon Simon Cowell has her on speed dial

Popularity: 18% [?]

It’s strange because this is the sort of show that I should really like - I very much enjoyed Maestro a couple of years back, but this series just does not do it for me. That is not to say it is a poor production though because it has proved very popular with the masses and has certainly introduced the world of opera to a whole new audience - for that I would put it down to the celebrity contestants rather than the music itself.

I tuned in to the very first episode and saw that it was being hosted by Myleene Klass (turn-off number one for me…) and, surprisingly, a gardening show host Alan Titchmarsh. Myleene plays the piano and Alan tells people how to dig up weeds…then the judges. Katherine Jenkins - a pretty face that sings nicely, she is not an opera singer and has yet to prove herself to make the crossover successfully. Then the worst aspect of all - Meatloaf. Cannot stand him, never could, never will - loud-mouthed, over-bearing, over-opinionated and arrogant - and that’s just a short list of what I think of him. Laurence llewyeln Bowen - he is not a singer but seems to be the only person with any ability to appraise talent. I’ve never heard of the Italian fellow so cannot comment on him.

I tuned in for quick snatches here and there over the past weeks but decided last night to catch a semi-final and what I saw just amazed me. All the contestants were MIMING! I have seen enough live opera performed to know what a singer looks like physically when they sing those arduous arias, they are like mammoth exercises in endurance and I did not see one single diaphram move in any of those songs. The most blatant of this was the ‘performance’ by Darius Campbell; he ’sang’ the famous Champagne Aria from Don Giovanni ‘Fin ch’han dal vino ‘. The most amazing aspect of this is that he managed it without his larynx moving at all ( a dead give-away where men are concerned…), and not being one tiny bit out of breath at the finish despite completing choreographed movements throughout the piece. I have seen the great Samuel Ramey perform this aria and if HE has a heaving chest at the last note then Darius could at least have looked as though he had raised a bead of sweat! this brought out some morbid curiosity in me so I decided to watch the following contestants to see if they too were faking it. And they were. Bernie Nolan’s ribcage never moved, neither did Marcella Detroit’s although they certainly outdid themselves with excessive facial expressions and contorted throat muscles…not good enough girls - it was a dead give-away.

Of course I am now belatedly hooked, watching these people fooling the public with pre-recorded efforts…surely I am not the only person to have noticed this…?

Popularity: 16% [?]

Personally I cannot for the life of me detect a single note of the old campfire song Kookaburra Sits in the Old Gumtree in the flute riff of the huge Aussie hit song Down Under by Men at Work.

But the Australian band may have to pay millions in royalties after a court ruled that they copied a well-known children’s campfire song for the flute melody in their 1980s hit Down Under. ‘Kookaburra Sits In the Old Gum Tree’ was written more than 70 years ago by Australian teacher Marion Sinclair for a Girl Guides competition and the song has been a favourite around camp fires from New Zealand to Canada. The teacher died in 1988 and publishing company Larrikin Music owns the copyright to her song about the native Australian bird. Larrikin filed the copyright action last year.

Down Under and the album Business As Usual topped the Australian, American and British charts in early 1983. The song remains an unofficial anthem for Australia, it was our official victory song when Australia won the 1983 America’s Cup yacht race, and was ranked fourth in a 2001 music industry survey of the best Australian songs.

Men At Work won the 1983 Grammy Award for Best New Artist but I remember when they appeared on television for the very first time. It was 1981 and Ian Meldrum introduced them on his show Countdown - he announced them as a ‘new group with a cute song…Who Can It Be Now’. The rest is history.

Trivia: When Men At Work performed their hit ‘Down Under’ at the 1983 Grammy Awards singer Colin Hay was so nervous he fluffed the start of the song singing a line of the chorus instead of the first line of the song.

Popularity: 10% [?]