Front Row Dress Circle

I watched it so at least I can criticise it - okay he’s a nice enough bloke but never have I seen a series of such unadulterated, self-indulgent rubbish. Endless close-ups of Pete looking misty-eyed into the distance; endless shots of Pete wiping tears from his eyes. What sublime self-promotion this series turned out to be - there was not one single episode that did not contain mention of, or references to, Katie Price…and this from a man who is always claiming to be “moving on…”

Those children were shamelessly exploited right throughout with poor little Junior frequently reduced to tears all because he likes to say things like ‘boobies’ - excuse the poor kid for being a kid eh…? tonight’s final episode had me reeling when the little boy - all four years of him - was made to cry yet again when he got into trouble for telling his loser of a nanny (who claimed to be soooo upset) that he ‘didn’t like people with big tummies…’ - get a life you sook, he’s four years old…and she DID have a big tummy although her face was mercifully blurred out. Good on you Katie for not allowing Harvey to participate in Pete’s ‘father of the year’ campaign.

Then you had the omnipresent manager Claire Powell (there she is pictured in her usual position) and her sturdy offsider, whatever-her-name-is, constantly reassuring the viewing audience that Pete is a) so much more confident these days…b) such a different man these days…c) almost back to the way he ‘used to be’…d) steadily getting over the last 4/5/6 months…ad nauseam. Oh, and if it wasn’t the female supporting cast forever putting our minds at ease about Pete’s mental and physical state then it was that brother of his - Mike - yes, the Andre relative who was happy to share the limelight and be quite comfortably ensconced in Katie’s house at times during the marriage but at the same time was secretly ashamed of being her brother-in-law. (Send him an invoice Katie dear…)

Best of all were Pete’s constant assurances, right throughout the series, that he would not focus on Katie at all, that she was a closed book. He even assured us all of this in several ‘exclusive’ interviews in approximately five magazines in the one week while holding both kids on each hip and balancing Claire Powell on his shoulders - also while checking his text messages from her on camera and even singing a little ditty about her that their kids will just love to listen to in a few years time. Finally we come out of the series better people for having discovered that dumping your wife several days after her miscarriage and then making a big deal out of the fact that you ‘will never, ever, ever, ever reveal the REAL reason why…’ can actually be one of the best calculated moves you can ever make - so long as you have a CD of breaking-up songs ready to be released that used your marriage as song-fodder and you can take advantage of the fact that the mother of your children has become most hated enemy no.1 out of it. His utter contempt for the woman he claimed to ‘love only as the mother of my children’ was palpable and ill-disguised. As we were also well assured that he was the most sexually frustrated wanker in the United Kingdom we are all now just waiting for the next instalment…Peter Andre: Finally Gets Laid.

Gee it feels good to be single again, eh Pete…

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